Lame.
I've been acting lame.
Per my post from last week, my camel finally showed up. And its back deeeeefinitely got broken.
Well, I had one of my famous meltdowns this past weekend. I hate that. It's entirely destructive and not at all constructive, and I end up frustrating myself and everyone around me. And I usually end up in tears (women, I know you know what I mean: they're not "sad" tears, they're just "pent up frustration" tears).
I've been feeling really homesick since last week. I know, I know, I said I wasn't last week, but I have to finally admit it and get it out there. The only the problem is, I only just realized it last night, in the heat of an argument (isn't that when everyone usually has an out of body experience and says "whoah, what am I doing?!"). I've been pushing it all to the back of my head, and anytime anyone asks me how am I, or how I'm coping with the change, or that it must be hard, I just slap a smile on my face and tell them the fun bits, but avoid the not-so-fun bits. I've also been pushing myself to go out and socialize here more, because that's what people do during Christmas, right? As fun as it is to meet new and interesting people, right now I'd much rather be at home watching a bad movie curled under a duvet. I used to feel bad about that, because it sounded so numbingly boring.
Well, it's about time I let myself do whatever I feel like, and if I feel like crying every other day, then that's ok for now. And it's also time I stop making the mister take the brunt of everything, because the man will start living at the office. Literally. In a cot under his desk, god forbid.
I had a routine in New York. WE had a routine. A life. A way of doing things. Life is still lovely and good, but the day-to-day doesn't exist here yet, and I haven't had my gut instinct to rely on. It's on a pause at the moment. But to make myself feel better (and to reassure the mister), I keep saying "hey, considering I've only been here for 2 months, I'm not doing that badly." And I believe that, though sometimes Missus Angry comes out and eclipses Missus Sunshine, and all goes to hell. Ughh.
We all go through our dark days and confusing patches, but the love is there at the end of the day. The love I have for myself and my life. And for my marriage. And like he said to me today:
"Don't stress. It'll get easier with every passing day."
Thanks mister.
3 comments:
I think it does get easier. My sister moved to Dubai last spring and hated it at first. Now she is on her way home (today, in fact) and she was sad to say 'goodbye.'
Hang in there. Be kind to yourself.
I recently read through old journals of mine and was amazed and relieved to see how much I've changed... I up and moved away from home once, two moves in five months, actually, and was a miserable wreck. I cried all the time. I wasn't depressed, per se, but I didn't feel comfortable, wasn't myself, etc. I was lonely. And at the time, it felt like it was probably just me. Just some defect in me that made it impossible to enjoy this fancy new life.
Over time, though, all of that has just disappeared. I got happy and never even realized it.
Anyway, I guess my point is KEEP WRITING ABOUT ALL OF THIS because one day you'll read it back and be amazed.
Happy New Year, Bink. We miss you here, upstate.
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