Time out.

Even grownups need a time out. I need a time out. Time out to ask myself: what the hell are you doing????

I have had a blissfully uneventful, loved-up and happy start to 2008. That is until I went out the other night and had one of those moments. Those self-destructive I'm nervous and shy being around new people so I will act perfect and have the perfect outfit so everyone will like me because I'm perfect and I have to be prettier and funnier than any of the girls here, and all I'll need is a little alcohol to loosen up... moments.

It didn't end well.

And I'm sheepishly admitting this to the blogosphere not only to help me see it in black and white, but to help any other woman out there that has hang-ups about herself that she can't seem to let go.

For those of you who know me, it will ring true when I say I am hard on myself and set the bar very high. An unreachable height, really. Yes, I can see a few of you nodding vehemently. For those of you who don't know me, I'll sum it up quickly: Type A perfectionist that wants to make everyone happy and ok, and stresses out over things that she has no control over. And consequently ends up forgetting about the most important thing: herself.

That said, when I just say f*ck it, which is most of the time, I am a very happy-go-lucky person that loves to cry at sappy movies, makes up kooky dances, and snuggles at home with her feet in slippers. However, the times that I freak out about the little stuff and become unsure of myself and who I am (especially when I go out and meet new people in this city), I try to be someone I'm not. I get worried that everyone is cooler than me, so I turn myself into the life of the party. The girl that everyone thinks is the most interesting. The girl that my mister's colleagues want to drink with. But that girl is also the girl that ends up being loud, too honest, annoying, and sometimes angry (not fun to witness). It's only happened a few times, but when Mrs. Hyde shoves Mrs. Jekyll out of the way, look out.

So I've made another step. I've started telling myself it's ok.

It's ok to make a mistake
It's ok to be a little insecure
It's ok to not know what to do
It's ok to love too much and be romantic
It's ok to burn dinner
It's ok to not want to drink at a party
It's ok to have little boobs and a boyish figure
It's ok to get pissed off
It's ok to want more from my job
It's ok when your partner wants time to do their own thing. It doesn't mean it's because he/she is bored of the other person
It's ok to be frustrated
It's ok to be shy
It's ok to have random PMS crying moments
It's ok to miss my mom
It's ok to get older

Everyone on this planet has had moments of self-discovery and has to forgive themselves for past actions. I will hopefully continue to learn from my mistakes and grow up as a person and evolve into the amazing woman that I know is in there. I never regret the moments that have happened in the past, even though some of them were really low points. I don't regret them because they make me who I am, the perfectly flawed person that my husband patiently continues to standby and love unconditionally.

I just have to stop thinking that's not good enough and start thinking it's good. and that's enough.