What I've learned so far.

No, I won't bore you with rhapsodic ramblings about the supreme joy of motherhood.

Instead, let me tell you the honest truth: it's goddamn fucking hard.

Now, I'm not the most maternal of women, never have been. I still don't feel maternal- I don't connect with the fact that I am now a mother, and that this perfect little creature belongs to me. In fact, sometimes I look at her and think "where did THAT come from?"

Yes, there are incredible moments where I look at her creamy satin skin or her little hands that open up like starfish, and I fall in love. But because life is so fantastic at balancing out the good with the bad, there are other incredible moments where I look at the toxic waste in her diaper and fall in love with the person who invented baby wipes.

And here are a few other things that I've learned, that have humbled me and that have driven me thisclose to being an alcoholic:

- holding a baby while they're screaming and crying results in hearing loss.
- no textbook will ever describe a baby. Each baby has their own personality and secretly loves torturing you with not being a "book baby".
- making up formula at 4am is the equivalent of doing a chemistry experiment in the dark, with one hand tied behind your back while the 10 pound bag of potatoes you're carrying in one arm is blasting an air horn in your ear.
- yes, it's feasible for a little stomach to somehow have room for food every hour, all day long.
- my clothes perpetually smell of baby vomit.
- it is possible to survive on 1 hours' sleep and no food all day. For 2 weeks straight.
- a long, hot shower is something that I fantasize about sometimes. Throw a massage in there, and you could get me to sell my mother into white slavery.
- the first time you go out with a buggy, it feels like the most traumatic outing you've ever done in your life. Especially when old grannies push you out of the way to get a seat on public transport.
- when I manage to put her down for a nap, I feel like I have the "Jeopardy" theme song in the background and I have a limited amount of time to do what I need to do. Do I shower, eat, nap, or do I do all 3 at the same time?
- eating dinner with the mister and being uninterrupted is impossible.
- baby poo has the ability to eat through a diaper, clothes, a blanket and even the couch they're lying on.
- as annoying as it is to admit it to my Type-A self, I don't have to do the housework. If it's between that or a catnap for 30 minutes, the nap always wins.
- I've learned to appreciate the convenience of having leftovers for dinner. Or frozen pizza.
- No, I can't do everything for everyone and be a superwoman. As much as I try, I have to learn to admit defeat.
- I don't feel like a mother yet.
- I don't like having "baby conversations" with adults all the time, as if my baby is the only reason for my brain to be active. Give me a stiff drink and some gossip, please.
- I long for my pre-baby life sometimes.

Now, looking at that list, it seems a tad negative. Well, I call it realistic. However, as I said before that life is the great equalizer, there are always the good bits that I've learned:

- the smell of the top of her head is the most intoxicating smell I've ever known. I feel it like a gorgeous ache in my heart. It's the same ache that happened when I fell in love with my other half.
- her cries, no matter how annoying and peace-shattering, sound like the sad whimpers of a tiger cub. I find it heartbreaking to leave her crying for too long.
- when she looks at me and scans my face and touches my cheek with her chubby hand, I melt.
- when I hold her little naked body in the bath with me, I realise how nervous I am around her still, and how I yearn to be a perfect mother for her.
- watching the mister talk to her and soothe her as she falls asleep on his chest is one of the most beautiful things I've ever seen him do.
- I am petrified of anything bad ever happening to her. I think it's probably my greatest fear.

So, there you have it. Some good, some bad.

All priceless.