I'm a hypocrite.

A beautiful friend of mine wrote about patience the other day.

Patience.

I told her that it's better to focus on the amazing things she's actually getting done than to lament that there isn't enough that she's getting accomplished.

Do I believe that? Absolutely, 100% yes.

Do I do that for myself, and practice what I preach? No. 100%, unequivocally no.

I'm not a patient person, yet I offer advice and help friends that come to me when they're hanging at the end of their frayed rope and don't know what to do. I tell them to be kind to themselves, to be patient and focus on the beautiful little achievements that they do rather than the larger projects that tend to overwhelm them and make them feel like they've failed.

People like me tend not to listen to themselves, I'm realising.

At best, I'm a happy-go-lucky, funny person who is a loyal, affectionate woman with a generous and pure spirit. At worst, I'm a glass-half-empty impatient worry wart, who tends to focus on the little things that are going wrong and that can't be fixed immediately.

When I have the "mean reds" ala Holly Golightly, I don't go to Tiffany's (though that might be a nice idea actually..), I feel stagnant and helpless. Incapable of doing anything for anyone. I feel transparent and angry that no one seems to give me a break, resentful that I work so hard to make sure everyone is happy. I feel like I give and give until I have very little for myself, and no one seems to give back, so I run on empty and have to build myself up again. If I ask for more, I come across as demanding. If I don't say anything at all, I'm seen as distant and closed off.

I'm impatient for the rewards of my hard work, but that's 100% my fault. If I actually just focus on the doing of everything and satisfy my own personal best, then everything else will fall into place. I know that. But I see the proverbial carrot in front of me, and instead of focusing on what I need to accomplish my goal, I focus on making sure that I've pleased everyone that's watching from the sidelines and make sure they're proud. I want to make sure they know how hard I've worked, and to give me credit.

It's a bit sadomasochistic.

When I look inward, I don't see the woman I've become, I don't see the smile lines that accent my green eyes like happy apostrophes, I don't see the lean body that has bounced back from pregnancy, or the long piano-playing fingers that my daughter watches flitting across the keys in admiration.

I see an exhausted girl with too many wrinkles around her bloodshot eyes, legs that should be shaved more often and sun spots on my hands.

I wait impatiently for someone to notice me, rather than taking the initiative and looking in the mirror and smiling back proudly. I wait for someone to say hey, you're pretty amazing, you know that?

I haven't learned how to ask for things that I need, like more affection, or more help or "couple-time" yet. I don't know how to ask for things without feeling guilty for asking for them. Every time I want to speak up, my guilt answers back and my mouth stays firmly shut.

I need more kisses, I need to connect more. But the baby is the priority, we need to make sure she gets all of our kisses and cuddles right now.

I need more time with you, we need to try and make time for each other. But we do make time, it's just much more infrequent right now, so appreciate what you do have and stop moaning about what you don't have.

Do you ever read my blog? Aren't you proud of me? Of course he is, but don't put him on the spot, let him discover it for himself.

I don't feel like I'm good enough, and I need reassurance that I'm doing a good job. That's your problem, and you're the one that needs to get a grip and get on with things. Stop relying on other people to help you. You can do it yourself.

If I actually stopped and saw myself as others see me, I would be much more forgiving. I would probably be amazed at how things would nicely slot into place if I give them a chance to, organically.

But I don't let it happen. I get impatient, and I push and push for results, because I fear that things won't happen the way I need them to, the way I crave them to, to make me satisfied.

So, I'm working on following my own advice. Patience. Being kinder to myself.

It won't be easy, but nothing worth it ever is.