My other self.

That would be the side of me that I try not to focus on. But maybe I should.

She gets lost in the day to day of London life, work, mummying, being a wife, a friend, a lover, a cook, a banker. She exists only when I fall apart.

And I did today (a little bit).

I had a bit of a wobble. A moment of insecurity. Panic. Chicken Little, sky falling in, all that...

And my other self came out in full force and started spiraling into the negative. She took center stage and declared war on everything rational, her eyes wild and determined. Determined to do what? Undermine me, and everyone around me. Dress that up with stage lights and jazz hands, and you have yourself a pretty rockin' musical.

I sometimes wonder why she does that. Why she appears in random silly unimportant moments, after weeks and months of lying dormant. Every time it happens, I see it unfold in slow motion, watching as she makes me lose any power I had in a situation.

Maybe she appears because I force her to be dormant. I don't deal with her, and would rather put her in a corner, neglecting her in a dark recess of my brain. So she probably just gets resentful after a while and wants her say.

My other self is the manifestation of any irrational fear I have, any insecurity that I push down and ignore. And when I ignore her, she comes out with guns blazing, relishing the spotlight. She loves the attention and the release it gives her, irrespective of the damage it may cause.

So maybe I should give her equal say. Maybe I should let her out more often. Maybe I should talk about what I fear.

But I can't, because I feel completely apologetic and ridiculous for having irrational fears to begin with. They span the entire spectrum from the truly crazy (what if I lose my looks and the mister starts flirting with a hot Swedish chick?), to the probably common (what if I'm not a good mother?). I sometimes think that I have more of these than the average person, but then no one ever really discusses theirs, so we could all be in the same boat.

One of my favourite blogs is Post Secret, because it lets people reveal themselves without giving away anything. Genius. Feels like a bit of freedom from that person in your head that keeps you up at night. Or, is it a cop-out? Why not face your fear and just dim the spotlight on the crazy for a moment?

If you've read this far, and don't think I'm crazy, then I'm very grateful (and impressed). I think we all need to let off steam every once in a while anyway. Although I should probably try and learn how to use that energy more constructively...

[End scene. Exit stage left.]