Meh, is what I say to that.

I have 2 children close in age. We decided that that's the way we're going to build our family. It works. It's our own version of chaotic perfection. The din of two children that are both in diapers is a kind of soundtrack to our life at the moment, and we like it.

Not everyone has the same view.

There have been various people, family included, who have said oh, so close in age, they both need you so much, it's exhausting.... oh, wow, what made you do that to yourselves, is that on purpose?.... etc etc. You know the drill.

And my family is even more direct. Someone on my side said to me once (when I was saying that I felt exhausted), in a sort-of-joking-I-don't-know-how-to-make-a-joke-way: well, no one told you to have two kids so close together, you know.

Yeah, thanks. That's ever so helpful.

This, however, doesn't make me feel defeated. Actually, it makes my normal stubborn I-will-do-it-myself-ness even more pronounced. It makes me work that much harder.

Unfortunately, this results in me not accepting any form of help from either sides. It's my way of saying: "Oh, well, if you keep commenting how exhausted I must be for having a newborn and a toddler, then I can prove to you that you're wrong in your judgement, and I can manage, and life is actually really great for us. Just because you didn't go that route doesn't mean we're nuts."

You're being irrational, is what you're thinking. You're justifying your choice of having 2 children close in age to other people by working that much harder and cutting off your nose to spite your face.

And admittedly, you're right.

I just don't like the fact that people can get off commenting about how they think that life is a certain way for me, and how I might not be able to cope. It pisses me off. It makes me proud of myself for learning the hard way. Helping run a business with my husband means... Doing bathtimes myself. Doing snacks and cooking myself. Doing varying naptimes with a newborn who only wants me to hold him all day, otherwise he's crying. Surviving on 3 hours' sleep every night. Speaking to a toddler in a different language hoping that she'll be bilingual, in an environment where all she hears is English all day. People telling me that I should have the toddler in nursery already because she needs to learn English ('she's almost 2, for goodness' sake..she's not talking properly yet, she needs help!') and learn how to "socialize". I get it from all angles. You've heard it all before, so I won't repeat myself.

I'm not ungrateful, though I know I sound like it. It's just that all I hear all day is how tough it must be, and I have to keep saying to those people "It's not tough. Some days it is, but for the most part, it's lovely, and I wouldn't change a thing."

Why can't I just do things the way I want to do them? Why can't I blast my own horn if I want to? Why can't I say "no thank you" when people offer to get my kids random gifts or try and give them chocolate and cookies or tell me that they'll offer to come over so I can get a 'break'?

I want to be selfish. I want to spend time with my kids before I go back to work in the fall, and I'm conscious that this summer will go by extremely quickly. My life clock is ticking faster with each passing month with them, and I feel like being possessive a lot of the time.

Do I stretch myself too thin as a result? Most likely. Does it make me look like a martyr? Probably. Does it keep people at a bit of a distance? Maybe. Do I really care? Well, I care enough to give the subject this much attention and writing space, so obviously I do. But I'd like to not care. Doesn't sit very well with family, though.

I can't help but think that my most important role in life is being their mother. I have other important jobs and other aspirations for myself that exist in the layers underneath, but this is the one that I want to be as perfect as possible. I want them to learn from me and I want to learn from them. I want to watch them as they take first steps, say first words.. I want to watch them as they fall asleep. At least for now, while I still have their pudgy little hands in mine, and I can have them close to me.

I don't care if this results in me being bleary-eyed and not having time to wash my hair and people complaining that they don't see me enough.

Meh, is what I say.*

*This could be the reason that I don't have very many friends.