Apologies out there to those of you who have been reading my blog lately thinking umm... this is supposed to be about life in London and your perspective on it, and it's sounding, hmm, rather bleak and grey lately. Is that supposed to be because it always rains over there? Get a grip, lady.
I don't apologise for feeling the way I have been, having had a baby and being on a hormonal Tilt-A-Whirl... but I do apologise to you readers that think I've lost the plot.
Here's the thing: Having kids, no matter how many, is a hard fucking deal the first 3-6 months. It's amazing and I'm really adoring these two beautiful people that have made our life complete magic, but interlaced in that amazing bit is a really hard bit that I forgot about. It can be torture, having had days, weeks, of no sleep. It can be emotionally draining. I'm left questioning my successes and failures every hour of every day, after every tantrum, tear, thrown toy, scraped knee and scream (and some of those happen to be mine).
We've moved houses 5 times in 6 years. Within those 6 years, we had 2 babies in 3 years. I live in a country where I'm still trying to find my way around, and still trying to figure out bus routes, never mind government paperwork, toddler classes and immunisations. I am effectively a single parent from 9am until 10pm, every day, and sometimes on weekends, while my other half tries to do his best to keep his business running so we can have a good life. I do the cooking, laundry, banking, playdates, bathtimes, medical appointments, travel diary management... and still try and take a shower once a day (I'd be lying if I didn't say that on average, that actually happens once every 3 days) and maybe shave my legs once a week. But the house is tidy, the kids are clean, I do manage to scrape my hair back and add some blush to my face, and everyone is healthy and fed. Coffee has become my fuel, because I tend to forget to eat much of anything normally.
I don't have any close friends over here to talk to. I don't have his family to help because they work hard hours in a fast-paced industry. My own family is on a different continent.
So, a lot of times, I'm on my own. Both emotionally and literally. And I look outside of my family unit and I start comparing and contrasting, thinking that other families out there have it cracked, and everyone else other than me can make a really solid and happy family unit and can make it all work seamlessly. I feel like I always drop the ball, I always screw up, I always manage to fail at the most important things, and lately, it's been my relationship. My one thing that I always said I would never potentially neglect, and always work at.
I'm not a hero. There are loads of women out there that have it much harder and don't complain, don't talk about the hard shit, and put on a brave face. I don't deserve a special medal, so I'm not asking for the sympathetic cocking of the head to the side to say "oh, you poor thing."
My issue is that I wear my heart on my sleeve, but I pretend that I don't, which is the worst kind of martyr. I pretend that I don't need to vent, I pretend that my tears aren't tears of exhaustion, I make sure that everyone is okay even if I resent the fact that I haven't taken care of my needs at all, and I apologise to everyone before I tell them about my obstacles, because I feel that no one, including my other half, needs to hear my issues. Everyone has a bag of shit, right? I don't want to put my shit in their bag. So my opening line is "I'm sorry, but I just feel that... and don't take this the wrong way, but...". It's quite passive and wimpy, which is not an example that I want to set for my daughter. I want her to own her feelings, to be a sentient and sympathetic human being, and to know how to convey them without regret.
Unfortunately, this ends up pushing people away. And the worst part about that is that my one best friend, my husband, gets pushed the farthest. Instead of asking for help, my exhaustion results in snapping at people. Barking what I need, and not asking for it. Not giving anyone the benefit of the doubt, and expecting the worst. I don't ask for anything, I demand it, out of sheer because I deserve it-ness.
The lines of communication get broken, and it all starts to feel very numb. It's an added layer to our exhaustion that tinges everything with that extra bit of grey, and makes the grooves around our eyes less like happy story-lines, and more like resignation and sadness.
I need to be able to cry without apologising. I need to be able to say "Hey, I feel like crap, and I need a hug." Once I open myself up without fear of judgement, the colour seems to come back into the scene. Everything seems more manageable.
I need to keep trying to let go and embrace the imperfections that I try so hard to hide. Maybe only then will I fix the cracks in the surface and realise how perfect those flaws, to me and my family, really are.
2 comments:
Leaving ruts is the worst.
Each step takes you closer to where you want to be.
xo
Marriage is so hard, especially under times of stress and exhaustion. The ones we love the most are usually the ones that end up in our crossfires. Not because we love them less, but because they are the ones we are the most comfortable around and we know they will be there and put up with us when we are having a really rough time. A really great gal once said to me, "Breathe and start again". Almost exactly 2 years ago (june 10, 2009), I wrote a post about a really hard time I was going through with my husband. I loved the advice that you gave me then, I think some of it can work for you now:
"Honey, marriage is an amazing gift, especially when we find our "puzzle piece", but it's also a piece of work. Try not to ever use the words "could've" or "should've". You made a mistake. Things happen. You shouldn't beat yourself up. Joe will do things sometimes that he will regret. And he will apologise and move on. That's the trick, you try and learn. Tom and I are still learning, and we will NEVER stop learning until the day we die. We communicate differently also- and some of our nastiest fights were bad and we thought we'd learned, but then we made the same mistakes again, just less painful. Nothing is ever perfect, but you just have to try and be there for each other at the end of the day. But the most important thing you can do for yourself and each other is just to draw a line under it and know that you'll be there for each other no matter what- and that these are just little bumps that will make the road tricky, but no less fun. Breathe and start again. " ~Myshka
http://wringingoutmysponge.blogspot.com/2009/06/success-in-marriage-does-not-come.html
I wish I could give you a hug ;)
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