Okay, let me start off on a positive before I start to get all whiny.
It's 85 degrees here in London. And it's sunny. Yes, I'm totally serious. Apparently, we're having some sort of ridiculous heat wave, and even though I'm carrying a bowling ball in front of me and heat makes me feel a bit cankle-icious, I'm telling Mrs. Nature to bring it on. I'm a sucker for sunshine, and everytime I'm out for my lunch, I crane my neck to get as much of it as possible within my allotted 60 minutes.
Now, here's the whiny bit where it seems my 20-year old insecure self has reappeared.
At 6 months in, I feel huge. I feel like I have chipmunk cheeks. I feel like my hair is perpetually hanging at a heavy triangle on my face, daring me to do anything to it that makes it look less like a helmet. I feel like I've started waddling. I feel like a monkey when I sit cross legged and my belly protrudes between my thighs. I find it difficult to shave my legs. I can't walk up a flight of stairs without getting winded. I've almost passed out twice, due to my low blood pressure and not eating as much as I should and still thinking I can run along at my regular pace. Yeah, I put a smile on and put on my flowy tops and just-so torn jeans and put cream on my remarkably pimple-less cheeks and look the part of a supremely serene pregnant lady, but in my head I feel like I should be wearing a neon blinking sign that reads Caution: Wide Load.
This in turn makes me feel unsexy and uncool and tired. And this results in me bursting into tears at very odd moments.
The mister has been amazing through all of this. Luckily, I'm married to someone that not only finds pregnancy fascinating, he finds it quite sexy on me and the way I'm changing. But unfortunately, the only thing I hear through my hormone-static is blahblahblah. I should be flattered by comments from people and strangers that I "look so well" and that "I'm carrying this neat little bump", but I can't seem to get a grip.
I've also taken on trying to understand what the mister is going through. I don't want him to feel like he always has to run home and massage my feet, but I also don't want him to feel like this is his "last summer" and he'll take advantage of the old party crowd and forget about me sitting at home not being able to drink, go out with friends, or do much of anything at all. I know, I feel unfair to him just uttering those words.
Yeah, I sound insecure and paranoid. But this is the stuff that no one tells you about pregnancy. It's not all wine and roses.
I'm the kind of girl that could never/will never be able to keep my mouth shut. I'm an open book with everything, especially in my marriage. The mister would probably rather not always hear my inner monologue, but sometimes I feel that it's appropriate. And so I laid bare how I feel about this summer, changes that should be made, things that have happened in the past.
Unfortunately, this now put him in a position where he feels like I don't trust him to make the right decisions. Him. The writer of my many love letters, the father of our child, my puzzle-piece.
But it's not a case of trust. It's a case of me worrying that things won't change (according to my pace, mind you). Worrying also that things are changing, but too quickly. That there will now not be "the two of us", that it'll be "the three of us". How does this affect me? Him? Us? What is it like, having a 3rd team member? Will I be a good mom/wife/lover/friend?
These are things I haven't said to him. These are things that lie at the root of the "other" things I bring up. I guess I do my best to try and balance the amazing gift of being pregnant with the nervousness and insecurity that go with it, and try to lean more heavily on the former rather than the latter. Oddly enough, I feel that it's a kind of weakness to admit my fragility, so I put on a brave face and overcompensate by being tough and sarcastic. It's a battle that no one can solve except me, and I guess this pregnancy just brings up some old demons that I thought I'd put away.
Yet even as I write this, Junior is deftly kicking me in response to my fears, as if to say... psst. i'm right here. everything will be okay.
4 comments:
I know EXACTLY how you feel... there's alot you don't realize about pregnancy until it happens to you. I am now at a little over 7.5 mos along and everything is becoming more difficult... both physically and emotionally. Don't get me wrong, I am so very happy and grateful for what is going on... but I am really looking forward to her arrival and putting the pregnancy part behind me.
I think pregnancy can be very hard on relationships too. My and my hubby hit a really rough patch for a while there... but we worked through it and things have been much better.
Speaking of heat... it's been around 95-100 degrees with a heat index of around 110 for the last week or so. I have been so swollen, I have been waddling around like marshmallow man! Not only have my ankles disappeared, but my legs, knees and face have been swollen as well. It has cooled down to the 80's the last 2 days and my ankles have reappeared... Yay!!
And the shaving business... Ugh! You remember my post about shaving down under? I was right about where you are now... and it has only gotten worse since then. But we deal with it, one day at a time... and I have a feeling that once it's over and done with, we will remember it more fondly then we are feeling now.
Hang in there honey... in 6 mos we'll be seeing each other's baby pics and things will be so completely different then they are right now!
P.S. I just finished decorating the nursery... come over to my blog and look at the pictures!
I wish I knew what you are going through, but don't. I do remember crying at a sunset, and that alone was frightening. I can imagine that what you're feeling is totally totally normal. Hang in there! We need more photographic evidence of the bump, by the way.
It will, before you know it, be over. Empty belly, overflowing arms. Everything changes, stays the same and explodes. I know it's hard. Just try to slow down. GIve her a rub for me :)
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