Adoration

L is a bit fickle.

Unlike her father and myself, she likes her own space and isn't very touchy-feely. It tortures me sometimes, because we'll shower every part of her with kisses and she seems indifferent to it, and sometimes actively pushes us away if we're in "her space".

She's also quite tough on herself. If she falls and skins her knee on the pavement, she'll pick herself back up, kisses her hand with a "mwahhh" sound (as if to kiss the pain away by kissing her own hand), and runs off. If I ask her "are you okay?" she'll nod and say "yeah".

She does realise if she's hurt us (she's going through a hitting phase) and when she's scolded, because she says "sorry" and makes these sad eyes that break my heart into pieces, and then gives hugs and kisses, so I do know that she has a tender side to her.

I'm constantly amazed and equally confused as to who this little person is. She's a little like me in her open-mouthed wonder at little things, and a little like her father in her intensity. But 90% of her is completely unique and different, and independent. It makes me realise how quickly time passes in front of my eyes, and how I'm chasing her ever-increasing-in-height shadow down the path.

Yesterday afternoon, after being in the park all day in the sunshine, she was exhausted, so I sat her down on the rug and put on a favourite movie of hers and curled up behind her. If I'm honest, it was less of a way to calm her down and let her decompress before bedtime and more of a ploy for me to get in some time just watching her.

I curled up, making a C-shape behind her, whilst she sat in front of me by my chest, legs crossed, turning her head to smile at me every once in a while.

I let myself soak in the shape of her long limbs, the translucence of her pale skin showing her veins, the length of her eyelashes, the golden colour of her hair that shows just a hint of strawberry. I ran my hands down her back, amazed that it's not as tiny as I remember it to be. I wanted her to put her hand on my head, or my arm, and just stop fidgeting for a moment, wanting her to adore me like I do her. I know it'll come in time, but for now, I have to be sneaky and find these moments, where she's mine, all mine. And I get a second to worship her.