The comedy of the hypocrite.

When I give, I give 100%.

Not that I'm perfect or anything (far from it, as you've seen from the content of this blog). When it comes to my relationship or my family (or even my relationship with myself), I tend to think I can do it all, I can be perfect, and I preach about how to "be". That never goes down well and backfires and I usually laugh at myself whilst swimming around in the abyss of ridiculousness and complication that I stirred up. Martyr, me? Nah. *wink*

However, oddly enough, when I give to friends, I do what I preach.

If I talk about extending a hand or a hello, I act on what I say.
If I say I'll come over, I'll come over.
If I haven't seen someone in a super long time, I'll make sure I try and see them as often as possible when I can.
If I say I'll do "x, y, z" for them or call them if I haven't seen them in a while, no matter how chaotic my life is, I'll call.
If I don't have much to give, then I'll be honest in the blink of an eye and email/call/text "Hey, I'm busted. I'll give you a shout soon. Thinking of you."

Do I expect a constant barrage of "hey, how's it going"s? Not at all. But there's a balance, and only the friendship can figure out within itself what balance works. But you start up again right where you left off, normally, and that's because there's been some contact here and there.

I can count on one hand how many close friends I have that I can trust to give back as much as I give to them. Most of them are men, to be honest. I don't expect it, but a friendship is a two-way street, and it's nice to receive the love. I can give as much as someone needs, but there has to be a point where that other person says "hang on a minute... what's my contribution to this relationship?"

I'm at an age where I'm really tired of pursuing friendships that give nothing back. I'm tired of sounding righteous in my quest to find that friend that gives me time, just like I give them time no matter that I have two kids and a full-time job. It can be upsetting and disappointing. Everyone told me "oh, it all changes when you have kids... you can't find the time, it's hard to manage..".

Bull. There's always time to write a 2-second note to someone to put a smile on their face. Yes, having kids DOES change things. It makes you realise who your true friends really are. And if there's nothing really there, then no sense in wasting time trying to make it work.

Like I said, I'm not perfect in any way, and probably too honest, too pragmatic and too sarcastic to have very many close friends. Maybe I'm a bit weird. Maybe I'm too loud. It's possible I probably give too much, and it makes people retreat a bit. But reaching out is the one quality that I have that's 99% consistent. And after a while, it gets pretty old when there's radio silence on the other end.

Thank you for listening. Please excuse the vitriol, but I think it's a long time coming.