Habits and confessions of a perfectionist.

You would think that after being married to a Brit, living in London... that I would learn.

But I don't.

I'm a talker. I'm a very emotional, mushy, lets-talk-about-our-feelings kind of person. Always have been. He calls it "too much love". It's in my DNA. I was raised in a touchy-feely house, I was allowed to express my emotions, whatever they were, and it turned me into a person that is an open book. My face says it all. If I'm upset, if I'm sad, if I'm happy, if I'm lying. My eyes read like chapters, my face is the binding.

I don't have many friends here that I'm close to. I have 1, in fact. I have another close friend in the states that I talk to on an almost-daily basis on email, which is lovely- she and I share our lives together and I'm grateful for that. Otherwise, I talk to my other half.

Poor guy is sometimes bombarded with "oh, I don't know... what if.."s and "I feel a bit cloudy and weepy and clingy and I have PMS"s. I cry from nostalgia about the kids growing up, or about my separation anxiety going back to work. I can spin a bit in my weepiness. It drives him in loops and frustrating circles, because he's not a listener (even though he does listen), a lot of times, he'd rather be a do-er. He wants to help me. To solve the problem and scratch the itch. I've heard most men are, but Brits are much more pragmatic, from my experience. Brits (both men and women) don't talk to each other about their lives/problems/feelings very often in detail. The men put their heads down and keep going, and the women pretend their lives are very organised, sex lives raunchy and kids perfect. They want to get it done and get on with it. Keep Calm and Carry On. That motto courses through their veins.

If I'm being honest, that quality is one of the reasons why I'm in love with my guy.

That being said, I can't reign it in sometimes, and if I don't manage to talk in little bits here and there, once a month it all comes out like a giant volcano, and it can get fiery, and it can get heated, and it can end up with me in tears for absolutely no reason whatsoever other than just plain frustration and defeat.

Habits need to be broken, considering I'm in my 30s and should know better. I've said this many times. But it's the one habit that I can't seem to manage very well. If I'm eating well and not so tired and taking my vitamins, then I'm fine. But caffeine, exhaustion from my 2 babies and a sparse diet can take its toll on me. I point the finger at other women and think "See? they have it together. They get it all done with a smile on their face and skip in their step, what's wrong with me? Why am I so rubbish at that? Why can't I just let go and relax for a minute?" But they're probably saying the same thing about the woman next to them.

I'm still learning. I still feel like a kid in my head who's scared of the world sometimes and that people won't like her. And then alternately like this organised, happy, capable woman that is married to her dream guy and has 2 amazingly clever kids.

Maybe this will never change, and I'll always be a bit of a contradictory, eccentric nutcase. I just have to figure out how to dust myself off a bit quicker and look at the brighter bits.