Something beautiful

Something happened to me yesterday. Something wonderful. Something that made me fall in love with myself, my life, and my marriage.

Life just clicked into place.

I can't describe how it came about, but I walked to work like I owned the world. Like I owned the city. Like I didn't give a shit about anyone else except my family, myself, and my life. My usual annoyances of life over here have disappeared, my confidence and my true rock and roll self have emerged. Is it temporary? Who knows, I don't really feel like questioning it.

I felt strong in my walk, a half-smile on my face, my stride long-limbed and awkward, like it always is. As I smiled to myself, I caught people's reactions, and they noticed. They smiled as well. Young men on the train tried to catch my eye as if to say hmmm... who is that? (while women hilariously would look at me with hmmm...who does she think she is? haha.

I realized that for the past few months, I'd been trying to fit in. Trying to be someone. Trying to like the people that I meet at my workplace. Trying to make my job work despite so many odds against me here. The truth is going to sound very harsh, but..I don't like them. I don't like who I am around these people. I don't feel my job is enhancing who I am because these people aren't at all creative. I am happiest just being ME and living my life they way I want to and not letting things get to me.

I have a curious buzzing feeling, an energy that makes me realize that no matter how hard I've been with myself and what life has thrown at us, it's all part of my story, OUR story. I want to be a good person, a good wife, a good mum, and to just do my own thing. And yesterday I realized I can be all of those things.

I saw my future for a brief moment, unwrapping in front of me. I saw myself as who I really am, a strong, beautiful woman that is totally in love with her husband and her blessed life. I know that we're still trying to figure things out, but what an adventure it's been, and will be, always.

Oh, and the soundtrack on my iPod that day? Sigur Ros. These Icelandic boys are amazing, and one of their songs was my wedding processional (appropriate, since we got married in Iceland).

It was a good day, yesterday. One of the best.

I love surprises.

If someone whispers in my ear hey...psst... I have a surprise for you... I go nuts. Literally, I have to cover my mouth from yelling "Hurray!!!!" at the top of my lungs. I have been like this since I can remember. And, I equally love surprising people. Acquaintances may not see this side of me often, but the people closest to me do: I hide around corners and giggle when people jump, I make Christmas cards from scratch every year from old magazines, photos and watercolor paper, and I love planning dinner parties and trips. I. Love. Surprises.

And I got one this weekend.

The mister decided to take me on a trip- he planned it at one of my lowest points in December last year, when I was so lost and lonely and nagging him all the time, and at my wit's end. He planned a weekend away to cheer me up, and told me not to sniff for any clues..just to wait. Oh, the blissful injustice!!

He got back from a business trip on Friday evening, told me to pack one bag (I laughed, as the man clearly doesn't understand women yet), and that we would leave at 8am on Saturday.

And on Saturday, I walked through the boarding gate of the Eurostar, and 2 hours later we were in Paris.

Mais oui, I was jumping up and down for joy!

Not only that, as were were exiting the terminal, our very dear German friend that lives there came to greet us, and we stayed at his beautiful apartment, near the Gare du Nord. We walked around...


sat at cafes and ate too much cheese and drank too much wine...





went out to see Iron & Wine perform, and came back to the apartment and danced to Dean Martin until the wee hours of the morning...



What a fantastic time.

Paris will always hold a special place in my heart, as it's the city where the mister proposed, on a bench at sunrise, while we sat overlooking the Seine. But that weekend was such a blur, I didn't really connect with the city or the people at all. I didn't fully appreciate it until this past weekend. Just outside of the hustle and bustle of cameras, fanny packs and tourists reading their maps, there is a quiet city hidden in winding streets. There are shops with fresh tulips wrapped in brown paper, people walking by eating fresh, warm baguettes. The air smells a bit like flowers. You can easily get lost, both directionally and linguistically. I like hearing people speak French, and I want to learn, and people were very receptive to my basic French that I tried to speak. As my native language is Ukrainian, and I've lived in Italy speaking fluent Italian, I feel like maybe I could pick it up quickly.

Honestly, I really want to live there someday. The mister would love to as well, but I think it's the language that would be tough for him. It's not an easy place to settle in, and the people are very private with their lives and friends, but I feel like I found some brief connection, even after just a day. It inspired me to an even greater degree to just be unique, to be me. If I don't find that many people interesting in London, I don't have to. I'd rather enrich my own life and find things interesting in my own way. Even if people think I'm shy and anti-social because I would much rather sit home and read while my mister likes his nights out. So I'll take Beck's mantra: I'm a delicate and unique snowflake!. I like to travel and get lost in the culture and landscape of foreign countries. That's what thrills me. That's what makes me happy.

If you've never been, and have the time and cash, try to visit once. You won't regret it.

On a lighter note...

I'm terribly hooked on two comedians that I just have to tell you about. I've almost peed my pants laughing at their routines. Seriously.

Sebastian Maniscalco

and

Patton Oswalt

have a giggle. It's good for you.

Time out.

Even grownups need a time out. I need a time out. Time out to ask myself: what the hell are you doing????

I have had a blissfully uneventful, loved-up and happy start to 2008. That is until I went out the other night and had one of those moments. Those self-destructive I'm nervous and shy being around new people so I will act perfect and have the perfect outfit so everyone will like me because I'm perfect and I have to be prettier and funnier than any of the girls here, and all I'll need is a little alcohol to loosen up... moments.

It didn't end well.

And I'm sheepishly admitting this to the blogosphere not only to help me see it in black and white, but to help any other woman out there that has hang-ups about herself that she can't seem to let go.

For those of you who know me, it will ring true when I say I am hard on myself and set the bar very high. An unreachable height, really. Yes, I can see a few of you nodding vehemently. For those of you who don't know me, I'll sum it up quickly: Type A perfectionist that wants to make everyone happy and ok, and stresses out over things that she has no control over. And consequently ends up forgetting about the most important thing: herself.

That said, when I just say f*ck it, which is most of the time, I am a very happy-go-lucky person that loves to cry at sappy movies, makes up kooky dances, and snuggles at home with her feet in slippers. However, the times that I freak out about the little stuff and become unsure of myself and who I am (especially when I go out and meet new people in this city), I try to be someone I'm not. I get worried that everyone is cooler than me, so I turn myself into the life of the party. The girl that everyone thinks is the most interesting. The girl that my mister's colleagues want to drink with. But that girl is also the girl that ends up being loud, too honest, annoying, and sometimes angry (not fun to witness). It's only happened a few times, but when Mrs. Hyde shoves Mrs. Jekyll out of the way, look out.

So I've made another step. I've started telling myself it's ok.

It's ok to make a mistake
It's ok to be a little insecure
It's ok to not know what to do
It's ok to love too much and be romantic
It's ok to burn dinner
It's ok to not want to drink at a party
It's ok to have little boobs and a boyish figure
It's ok to get pissed off
It's ok to want more from my job
It's ok when your partner wants time to do their own thing. It doesn't mean it's because he/she is bored of the other person
It's ok to be frustrated
It's ok to be shy
It's ok to have random PMS crying moments
It's ok to miss my mom
It's ok to get older

Everyone on this planet has had moments of self-discovery and has to forgive themselves for past actions. I will hopefully continue to learn from my mistakes and grow up as a person and evolve into the amazing woman that I know is in there. I never regret the moments that have happened in the past, even though some of them were really low points. I don't regret them because they make me who I am, the perfectly flawed person that my husband patiently continues to standby and love unconditionally.

I just have to stop thinking that's not good enough and start thinking it's good. and that's enough.

I'm a total sap.

I heard this song recently, and have to recommend it: Save Me From Myself, by Christina Aguilera.

Yeah, yeah, you'll think I'm a cheeseball, but just play the video and listen to the voice. I guarantee you'll love it.

(Dentistry + Fear)-Happiness= White Coat Syndrome

I am PMS-ing.
I am not smoking. Seriously, haven't cheated once.
I am eating like someone who's been on a month-long hunger strike (see previous statement).
I'm seeing the dentist tomorrow, probably to fill more cavities.
Our flat still only has three pieces of furniture.
I haven't had a haircut in 7 months ( I don't have the time nor the patience, really).
And London has consistently had weather that makes it feel like this:



But I'm very happy lately, and it seems that I am making good on my secret resolution to not stress about stuff. It's a nice feeling. I read somewhere in a health magazine that if you force yourself to smile even if you don't want to, your brain will be tricked into producing the warm-fuzzies. It has something to do with the muscles around the face and eyes- if they're triggered, your brain produces some serotonin. I manage to be a contradiction when I trudge to work in the morning, dead-tired, but the inner monologue in my head is: la, la, la, la, let's listen to some Feist on the iPod! I love that 1,2,3,4 song!

Now, my only hurdle is the dentist. Too bad that when he stretches out your face to give you an exam, it doesn't quite produce the same warm-fuzzy results. In fact, when the hygienist starts poking at my mouth with what might as well be an icepick I feel like kicking her. Hard.

Yes, it's obvious that I loathe the dentist. Sorry to any of you who are married to them (but you must have awesome teeth!), but I can't help it. The metal scraping against my teeth, the digging under my gums, the cold shock of sensitivity I feel when a tender spot is poked, and the diagnoses that never fails to scare the life out of me (every year): Yep. It's a cavity.

I feel like those slow-motion parts in movies, my mouth contorting to yell NNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO while I leap out of my chair, reaching for the door.

I like my teeth. They're my pride and joy. 4 years of braces, 6 fillings and one root canal, and they're still nice and white and square. Unfortunately, they keep getting softer with age- they're very susceptible to cavities and chips, and I very often have dreams that they're going to all fall out. My wonderful dentist in New York, whom I absolutely adore and trust, had been with me for 5 years before I moved, and now that I'm here, I hadn't wanted to visit the dentist yet, I had nervousness about the unknown. But, of course, after feeling some all too-familiar pangs of a cavity the other day, I knew I should. I booked an appointment for tomorrow morning, and I can say I'm really nervous. And when I get nervous, I resort to my 10-year old habit of involuntarily grabbing the hygienist's arm before she starts poking. Just to reassure myself and to remind her to go slow. And the whole time I'm in the chair until they take that adult bib off of me, I'm barely breathing, my eyes are darting from one piece of equipment to the next, I've made nail indentations in the vinyl chair, and I'm secretly praying that it's perfectly legal for them to bust out the gas mask and put me under for a routine procedure.

Is it bad form to show up drunk? You think I'm kidding.

Things that make my life easier and smell nicer

I don't have sponsors, so I am only doing this out of sheer pleasure in sharing, as these products that I have been using put a huge smile on my face every day. And I am a TOTAL product lunatic, so to find ones that work their magic makes me a very happy woman. Thank you to the little elves that invented them:


This hair mask is unbelievable. I have coloured, ironed, bleached and tortured my hair for many years, and it had gotten to the point of Shredded Wheat-like consistency. This mask makes it shiny and happy and cashmere-soft every day.

On dry hair, this is a 5-second fix that will make hair smell freshly-washed and feel totally silky. Great in a pinch before going out..

I've always tried different skin creams, and no matter what, they've always left my face looking a bit dull, a bit thpppt. I've tried Cellex-C, Khiel's, Dove, Neutrogena, Vichy (which wasn't so bad), Oil of Olay (which made me realize I was horribly allergic to mineral oil), Nivea, Cetaphil, Aveeno. Forget it. Nothing worked. Plus, I have really sensitive skin and though it's a bit dry, I do have a slightly oily t-zone as well. If any men are reading this, I probably lost you all waaaaay in the beginning when I said 'hair mask'.

Anyway, I found the holy grail in skin creams, and though it's kind of pricey, dear lord it does the trick. Brilliant, brilliant little pots of day cream and night cream from these people. I am truly amazed at how yummy my face feels.

And recently, I splurged on some treats for the bath and shower (which the mister loves, but would never admit to anyone other than myself) from Molton Brown, pure sensory heaven:


Yummy shower gel that lingers for the rest of the day...

And with this one, you'll be tempted to move permanently into your bathtub. I swear.

I'll end this post with some other notable standouts:

Diorshow Mascara- great to make lashes thick and long
Kiehl's Eye Stick- has SPF 30, and you can use to make your lips soft or condition under your eyes
MAC eyeshadow in Shroom or Filament- great matte nude colour and subtle shimmery silver, respectively
Smashbox lipgloss 8001- light pink that enhances your natural lipcolour and gives a nice shine
Chantecaille lipgloss in Amaretto- nude-ish lipcolour that is shiny, but very soft
Shu Uemura eyeliners- so soft and so easy to put on
Yves Saint Laurent Glossy Touch- multipurpose gloss that makes your cheeks or eyes all dewy
Pop Blush in Baby Blush colour- great gel blush that gives you a natural flushed look and blends with your skin tone
Goody Ouchless hair elastics- great for thicker hair like mine- no metal pieces on them, not too tight, but not too loose, and the stretch lasts forever

Okay, to be continued. Now I'm going to have to do more "research". And you all know by "research" I mean "an excuse to shop for more products to try out".

I'm a quitter.

Let me explain.

On January 1, 2008, I. Quit. Smoking.

That wasn't a resolution, it was just something that I needed to do, and I'm broadcasting it to the blogosphere so that I can be held accountable not only to myself but to all of you out there. So feel free to reach into your computers and slap me if I think about reaching for a Marlboro Light.

I've been smoking on and off since I was 19, so that's been 12 years of nice tar buildup on my lungs. and I have to say, I've totally enjoyed it. And the irony is that everything else about me is Granola Girl- I don't take any medicines and pills and rarely take aspirin, I usually have a vitamin-solution for anything, and I pride myself in knowing the specific nutritional benefits of certain foods and herbs. But hey, give me a glass of wine or a strong tea, and I'll be out on the balcony with cigarette in hand, in the summer, winter, whenever. Plus, the mister has been smoking since he was 14, and it's been nice to share a cigarette with coffee early in the morning or during a late night of drinking. We've never been a pack-a-day, but we'll do a decent 4 or 5 during the day and a few more at night. It feels like a little club, and it's been fun standing outside a pub having conversations with new and random people, all smoking. And one of our closest friends once jokingly pointed out: "All the interesting people at a party smoke. It's just fact." We love him to bits, but ironically, he said that right before he had a health scare related to his smoking habits (and we hope he's quit, because he is just too amazing and beautiful of a person to have anything bad happen to him).

I also decided to go kamikaze-style and quit cold turkey. My dad did it after smoking 2 packs a day for 8 years, and I believe that can do it too. I have to. My personality is such that if I slowly wean myself off, then I'll sneak them in every once in a while and give myself permission. I can't do that, it's too easy for me. The mister has tried the patches, the gum, the pills, but I really think that because both of us aren't hard-core smokers, we're kidding ourselves by doing it slowly. It's in the brain, it's all about the willpower for us. I know I can do it by not focusing on my cravings and reminding myself that I'm getting out just in time: my teeth haven't turned yellow yet, my singing voice is still pure, and my face is still pretty wrinkle-free and dewy.

I also have some personal incentives: when I was 6, Dido (Babchya's husband and Mamo's dad) died of a hemorrhage in his brain, but he was also a heavy smoker and drinker and it had made him predisposed to that unfortunate event. Babchya has been pleading with me to stop smoking and be as healthy as possible, and I finally want to do that for her.

But all of these things I have realized on my own. No one has nagged me about it, no one has tried to force me to quit. Those tactics are usually what make someone want to do the opposite anyway. I am doing this for myself, first and foremost. I would love for the mister to quit, and I think he will at some point this year, but I can't force him either.

I'm not judging anyone for doing whatever makes them happy and if that includes smoking and drinking or whatever, to each his own. But for me, it was time to stop.

And here's hoping that my addictive substitution, munching on carrot sticks, will calm down at some point. I think I'm turning a curious shade of orange.

I put the "ate" in 2008

Holy crap, I think I have eaten and drunk a small country's supply of crisps, chocolate, wine, spirits, pizza and chocolate. Did I say chocolate already? Well, it warrants mentioning multiple times..

The holidays were good. I mean goooooooooooo-ooood.I took a break from everything and just spent time with my in-laws, my mister, and my family. Yes, the mister surprised me and took me back to America to go snowboarding in Vermont (YAY!) and to see Mamo, Tato, and Babchya (DOUBLE YAY!). We went snowboarding first, and spent a blissful 4 days carving up Sugarbush. I was a little apprehensive at first, as the mister is an ex-skateboarder and I am an ex-downhill racer (so to me, snowboarding seems like an act of torture, strapping your legs to a slick board without the hope of release), but I have to say, I am getting better and better! And by better, I mean that I only had one really nasty fall, rather than several. And that fall, of course, happened on the last run of the last day, at the end of the day. And I fell on a flat part. Yes, flat. I was fine on the steep parts riding at 40 miles an hour, but the flat part- that's what got me. And I fell so hard on my arse that I burst into tears. Let me reiterate: floods of gasping tears like a 5-year old. So, in summary, the end of our snow holiday ended with a spectacular show by yours truly, while the mister looked on and said "You're in shock, calm down. Come on, adults don't cry, honey. Now get up and let's go get you some hot chocolate, wouldn't that make you feel better?" Tough love, man. But hey, he got my mind on chocolate, so...



New Year's Eve was even more spectacular, as we spent the day with Babchya (who was so excited to see us she practically broke herself in half hugging us), and one of my older cousins, Oksana. Both of them spent the entire evening grilling us about why we haven't had the babies yet. Oh, how they pray for the babies. Because of course, as everyone knows, since both of us are in our early thirties we're apparently on death's door. Bless them. I can't wait to see their faces someday when we actually do become pregnant and the small tattoo of the tryzub (Ukrainian national symbol) on my lower belly becomes bigger and bigger. They might change their minds.

Midnight rolled in and I was in my silvery sparkled skirt and spike heels- and what was I doing? I was so tired from the week that after one too many glasses of wine I was asleep on the couch (as soon as that happened, the mister decided to be funny and dress me in an overcoat and feather boa. I didn't have the energy to ask why). I had to be woken up at 11:55 so I could ring in the New Year with everyone- which I did, and then proceeded to say "I'd like to go to bed now". And the whole time she was there, my 86 year old Babchya was trying to get everyone to drink. I apparently fell into some alternate universe that evening. And Mamo and Tato probably think their precious daughter has turned into an alcoholic.



New Years Day the snow came, and no resolutions were made. Instead, the mister and I went outside in the snow and used a sink-mat to sled down my parent's front lawn. It was beautiful.



It was hard to leave them all, and especially my Babchya, who I fall more and more in love with every time I see her. I was very sad and very teary-eyed, but I resolve that 2008 will be a strong year, if not only for me, but for them. My 2008 resolutions I will call "reminders" so I remember to:

Love deeply and unconditionally
Laugh until my stomach aches
Try my hardest
Love myself more (even my new little gray hairs)
Be generous in spirit
Have faith
Trust myself
Try not to let stress cloud the great moments in life

I think that makes for a pretty good year.

I wish all of you the same and more.