Philosophical perspectives (aided by Dutch beer)

We're back from a lovely holiday on our sailboat.

Yes, you read that right. Our sailboat.

You see, in the process of all of this job change, financial stress and chaotic move-or-not to move worry, we were also in the process of buying our first boat. It's been in the works for quite a while, as we're both avid sailors, but it was just put into place the day we left for Holland, which is where she's berthed.

So our two weeks of constant bliss consisted of: water, boat, beer, sunshine, listening to the radio and playing fierce games of Backgammon. I cannot begin to explain how your perspectives change when you don't have a computer to sit in front of, no Blackberry to sprain your thumbs on, no phones to answer. All I did was listen to the sails flap in the wind. Listen to my footsteps on the pontoon at night when I walked into the marina for a hot shower. All I brought with me was a pair of jeans that I wore almost every day, some t-shirts, and a backpack. The mister and I found ourselves laughing a lot more, taking more pictures, having more discussions.

But it was all lumped in the same head space, which was: life gives you such a giant test sometimes, and you have to dig really deep to find some head space to deal with it. To find that one thread that keeps you hanging on. And that it's all too short of a ride to kill yourself to make it perfect.

I still don't have a job yet, the market over here in the UK isn't great either (i cannot imagine how chaotic life in the US must be right now, it's so upsetting). But I know I'd make myself crazy worrying about it. I'll start sending writing samples to some magazines, maybe all this down time is telling me that I need to rethink my strategy. We'll see.

It's also my birthday this Thursday, a day older. I have to say, I still feel like a little girl that wants her presents and flowers and cake and party sometimes, but I'm realising that I have to do that for myself now, I can't expect that at 30-something it still is that big of a deal to everyone else (otherwise Chuck E. Cheese would have an adults menu). The mister is away on business that day, and all my girlfriends have kids, so I might celebrate by getting my nails done and treating myself to afternoon tea.

One step at a time.

See? You got me talking and now I can't stop...

Today we have sun, and I see that as a very good omen. Though I am quick to complain about the weather here, since we've only seen a week of 80 degree weather and sunshine (the rest was rain and about 65 degrees), I am hoping that we may get a late hint of summer.

I am also excited because in 3 days, we are finally going on a much-needed holiday away from the city, away from people, and away from the chaos. A sanity-check, if you will. We haven't been able to sleep much, and our brains have been preoccupied with work, with finances, with "life admin".

I went to see a group of friends last night for a drink and came home at 10pm, so exhausted that I practically fell into bed after a quick kiss "hello" to the mister. He's travelling for business today, and though it's only for the day, I actually feel how far apart we are. I feel the rush of the hours flying by. And when I feel like that, I ache for a kiss and a cuddle. That's the little girl in me. When things feel overwhelming, sometimes instead of dealing with it head-on, I prefer to languish in the warmth and reassurance of a hug or a hand to hold, and want to have us disappear from reality and just be with eachother. It really is, I believe, the best feeling in the entire world. Selfish and unrealistic at times, maybe, but still really delicious.

In other news, we went to a wedding this past weekend on the coast of England, and the mister and I took the opportunity to explore a bit and take a cliff walk and see quaint little stone villages. It was stunning, seeing the cliffs and their layers of prehistoric rock, walking along land that has been there for millions of years. Granted, the height that we were at is not for the faint-hearted, but it makes you feel so absolutely humble and insignificant in the grand scheme of things. So in the interest of history and fun trivia, I'll give you all some fun facts about London (I've been reading this book called The London Companion, and it's SO interesting!)

--What is “Big Ben”? Most people have an impression that it’s the name of the world famous clock, or perhaps the tower that houses it. Not true! The name actually refers to the 13 ton bell, while the tower is known as St. Stephen’s Tower.

--The Queen’s official residence, Buckingham Palace, was built in 1702… on the site of a notorious brothel.

--Her Majesty the Queen is not allowed to go into the House of Commons because she is not a commoner.

--A boy throwing a match into hay inside a bakery started the Great London Fire in 1666.

--During the time of the Roman Invasion, London was known as Londinium. In Saxon times, it was known as Lundenwic and during the kingdom of Alfred the Great, its name was changed to Lundenburg.

--Harrods department store in London still delivers goods by horse and carriage.

These pics below give new meaning to the words Rock On...

Rumours of my death have been greatly exaggerated...

Yeah, ok. My brain went on strike, as did my fingers. I've had a rough August, and I needed to disappear for a while and figure some things out. These aren't life and death problems, so apologies to anyone if I sound like I'm complaining. I'm not. I'm just sharing.

I lost my job.

The job that I loved, that I worked 12 hours a day for, the job where I finally felt like I had settled into this city and developed a much-needed emotional rhythm.

It was quite sudden, very condescending in the way it was done, and extremely hurtful. Most of the people that worked with me were shocked, but they intimated that this person that I had worked for had done this countless times before. Either way, I was out on my arse in a very ungraceful way. And to be honest, I felt lost.

I realised that some of my UK identity was helped by having a creative job, something that I loved. I liked working long hours to see a job completed in the best way possible. I liked meeting people in the UK creative industries. And the rug was pulled out from under me.

I went through a range of emotions: sad, angry, confused, feeling useless. Negativity about the weather, about the building we lived in.. And the FEAR was palpable. The fear that I wouldn't find a job for a while and we wouldn't have enough money, that I was getting older and I couldn't have children without a job with a good maternity plan, that I would be seen as incapable of holding down a job. I became envious of the mister's female colleagues that have super-powerful jobs, and I felt like the insecure little apron-clad wife. But I got angry at myself and through that I created strength. I had to pull myself up. I had to listen to a voice with a positive focus:

Snap out of it. You're not doing yourself or anyone else any good by beating yourself up. This happened for a reason. Wasn't meant to be yours. Take advantage of this time to see London, since you don't have that time very often. Take time to rest.

I started doing that. Doing silly touristy/artsy things and disappearing into crowds, into parks with a notebook, making myself familiar with certain streets. I started literally getting off trains and making myself lost, in order to test myself on how to find my way again.

The mister was amazing through this, encouraging me to relax, to get facials, to sit in the sun and read (well, we only had a week of sun this whole summer, so that was a bit difficult), to take time for "me".

I have been. I'm trying. I'm still getting there. I have at once been thrilled and happy to be doing project work for different agencies, and at the same time been covered by a little black cloud of frustration and loneliness.

It's hard sometimes, this life thing. But I have to make sure to remind myself that we're never given more than we can handle, so we'll always figure it out.

Oh, and I turn another year older in 3 weeks. Maybe that's freaking me out? Ugh. I'm SUCH a neurotic girl.