Right. Get a grip.

In the "Convenient Theories for You" monthly newsletter, it says that apparently hormonal outbursts, crying for no reason and feeling negative is due to a hormonal surge. This surge happens around the 28th week of pregnancy because baby is running out of room in its studio apartment in there, so apparently my body decides to add an extension, thereby increasing a certain hormone to make my muscles relax.

Unfortunately, the muscles relaxing do not require a lovely hormone called "muscle relaxant", they require a different kind of hormone, which I prefer to call givemethatcookieoriwillsmotheryouinyoursleep-tocin.

I've been in a bit of a haze for a couple days. The only way I can describe it is by picturing yourself walking through a pea-soup fog, feeling out of breath and lethargic, road signs are only half written out and unclear, you have a vague feeling of marijuana haze (half-buzzed and happy, half paranoid), and the whole time you're in this world, you're trying to protect a fragile little glass figurine.

Sounds like a good script for Guillermo del Toro, if you ask me.

Luckily, I have my other half that walks right next to me and tries to help, but when it's foggy, I can barely see my own hand, let alone his. So I snap myself out of it. It's just that lately, it's gotten harder to do that.

My job is undergoing changes that are beyond my control, and it feels pretty defeating. These aren't "economic climate" changes, but shifts above me that directly affect me, and the timing couldn't be worse, considering I have a little one due in about 2 months. I feel like I'm being pulled and tugged in different directions like an overused ragdoll, and I can't seem to find a solution. I know it exists, I just can't see it, and that's frustrating me.

I'm getting more nervous about the birth. Silly, maybe. But still nervous. The mister and I sit there in our antenatal classes and while he's totally fascinated in that "little boy liking all the gross science stuff" kind of way, I sit there and think if she uses the words 'mucus plug' and 'anal winking'* one more time, I'm going to hurl. He's already started encouraging me to pack my hospital bag just to get organised. I've gotten as far as lip gloss and face cream.

I've also gotten into the habit of apologising to the little one for all the negativity that I focus on. I think it knows that I mean well, but I'm also imagining that now that its eyes are fully developed and blinking, it's doing the ohh puhleeze eye-roll maneuver when it hears me stress out. I feed it a homemade brownie (my latest craving) as a guilt present.

So, in light of all of this, we decided to take a break and go away soon. We're disappearing for a bit and shutting off, as this will be our last big "just the two of us" holiday for a good while. I can't wait to feel the sun on my face, the sand under my feet, holding the mister's hand and seeing a completely clear horizon.

At the moment, another brownie will have to do.

*I swear this is a real term/occurrence during labor, but I apologise if I've just put someone off their lunch. Or their own body parts.

Adjustments and bumps

Breathe. Stay calm. Try and understand where he's coming from and why he did this again, for the 37th time. Try to get where he's coming from. Don't throw anything at him.

Living in a different country tests your patience and your courage. Being pregnant and having a business in a different country, away from family and everything that's familiar, turns up the notch on the previous sentence. It also tests your relationship mettle.

I'm a pretty tough bird, and I have to say that I've weathered quite a few bumps along the way here. I've discovered more about myself, more of what I need out of life, and more about my marriage and my partner. It hasn't been easy (cut to pregnant woman sitting at breakfast table crying into cornflakes... for absolutely no reason).

The mister and I have discovered something about the way we work together. Maybe it's his new business. Maybe it's the new house. Maybe it's the pregnancy. I think it's everything all at once (which seems to be the best way we work). We've always been a tight team, unfailingly since the day we met, but this pregnancy has added a really profound dynamic in how we approach things and learn from each other. When I drop the ball, he already stands 10 paces ahead of me ready to catch it. When he can't find a solution, I'm ready with a few options for him, complete with pen and paper. Granted, we're still new at all this and still have a lifetime of learning to do, but we're learning to be patient in figuring things out. We struggle and argue and laugh and play and make mistakes, lots of mistakes (and we repeat those mistakes sometimes without thinking), but there's a delicious undercurrent of strength and love and sweetness and honesty that I'm proud of. And the adjustments that we've made recently in the way we do things and the habits that we're trying to break... these tiny adjustments feel like a compass leading us in a really solid direction.

Little fishy in there is kicking as I write this, and I can't help but think that there's this profound magic that happens when two people create a third. The abundance of selflessness and love (not only in yourself, but as a couple, and as a family) that's needed to cushion this little one is awesome, in the purest sense of the word. And our heads and hearts are slowly expanding to accommodate. To adjust. Of course I can easily dwell on the little things about who's right, and why he did that and what's annoying me.. but truth is, if I step outside of myself when these moments happen, I know exactly what's really important. Don't sweat the small stuff, Tato has always said to me. And I think I have moments now where I really get what that means.

I'm lucky to have a good life, a husband who challenges me and cherishes me, a family who grounds me, and loyal, amazing friends. I remind myself of that every day (especially the dark days).

Roads are bumpy, sure. Roads can get bumpy with a bump, sure. But that's what makes life the all-time greatest challenge, right?