I have an Upstate New York Eye at the moment, and it has been amazing to get some much-needed perspective on a lot of things. Family, friends, myself.
When we arrived here, I admit that the prospect of spending a very long time with my parents in an area I grew up... well... nostalgia aside, it seemed daunting. It made me nervous that I would disappear into bad habits, old insecurities, and not spend time relishing the sunshine and the fresh grass under my bare feet.
I wanted to experience joy. Both with and without my children. I wanted to look at old friends' faces, I wanted to hear the music of the lake lapping the shore in the evening sun, I wanted to hold my husband's hand in a dive bar, nursing a cold margarita.
My wishes were granted.
In the beginning, I was confused. I felt frustrated. I felt like I was regressing, and not in a good way. My parents and I butted heads and danced around the uncomfortable distance that results in the years having spent 4,000 miles apart. I felt angry and alone when my other half had to leave me to travel to other countries and work whilst I stayed here with the kids.
But I confronted my fear. I dealt with my issues out in the open- both for myself, and to be honest with my parents. And very soon after, I started feeling a calmness. A peace. An appreciation for the people that my parents have become, and the beauty that I possess in my soul because of them and in spite of them. And they, in turn, have responded to me in a way that I never thought they would. They've helped. They've smiled. They've hugged. They've played.
I have experienced joy in my children's first touches of hot sand under their feet, L's first taste of peanut butter, M's determination to roll over on his 3-month birthday. I have watched L run around naked, M giggle and smile for the first time, I have held my husband's hand in a dive bar and I've seen a beautiful friend that I hadn't seen since she and I were 16 and dreaming about our futures and where we would be.
I'm starting to learn how to cherish the important things in my life. I'm starting to see the silver in the clouds, the sparkle in the water. I don't need games. I need simplicity and beauty in the hard stuff, and the more I ask for that, the more it'll be there.
I came here under the weight of a lot of assumptions about certain people, myself included, and all those assumptions have been blown away. People aren't what they seem. Places aren't what you make of them initially. What's left is the reality of who I am, who my family is, what kind of friends I want and don't want in my life, and what my parents mean to me now.
Certain truths aren't hidden anymore, and the realisation of what I need now and for my future are clear.
And in that clarity I can breathe easier, and I have the space to appreciate the joy that has played out before me, recorded in the little faces that I kiss goodnight every night.
