How did it all happen so fast?
I've gone from the whirlwind of working all week and being the mom that balances the baby, the nanny, the bills, the cooking, my projects.... to being the stay at home mom on maternity leave, spending every second with my beautiful little girl.
It's been hard, I'll admit, to change my brain into "patient mom" mode, where nothing happens on time. I have to be on her pace now, in her world. I have to calm down. And to be honest, this is a bit of a first for me.
I went back to work when L was 5 months. It was important for my brain, for my heart. It's the way I operate, when I can balance what I need with what everyone else needs. I'm not a stay-at-home mom, though I respect that loads of women out there do it every day, and I admire that.
So this new role for me is a tough one. I have to call on a lot of patience, a lot of diligence, a lot of creativity and stimulation for a kid who, at 16 months, already finds puzzles not enough of a challenge (I'm totally serious). I've had to grit my teeth a lot and not fly off the handle over spilled juice, emptied cupboards, tantrums and missed naps. I don't deserve a medal, people do it every day. But I find it a personal achievement to switch gears and slow down a bit. I'm learning.
I am in an abyss of extreme emotion at the moment as well, as I'm 32 weeks along and feeling anticipation, excitement, exhaustion, apprehension and euphoria over the next little person to join the family. What's it going to be like? How will the routines go? Will I be able to breastfeed this time? Will I be able to have my waterbirth? Will I be able to try and rest for the next weeks ahead before the labour so that I'm ready? Will I be a good, attentive mother?
All these questions race through my mind when L is asleep and I'm in a quiet house. I can only describe the feeling as the excitement of falling in love, but equally terrifying. I worry that I sometimes let L watch a bit too much TV, I worry that I'm not socialising her enough, I worry that when the new one comes along my head will spin in too many ways and I'll lose touch with what L needs. I've also noticed that I've been cleaning like a maniac, filing, organising, dreaming about crisp new bed linens and throw pillows and wanting to decorate L's room a bit. I think they call it nesting. The mister calls it crazy pregnant lady syndrome. He humors me, and I appreciate it.
I realise that I have to stop racing. My mind and my heart need to slow their pace and let L lead me to where she needs me to go. I'll figure it out if I let myself release control a bit and spend these next 8 weeks with her as beautifully and peacefully as I can.
