I am SO un-PC.

Umm... fellow mothers may gasp at the following post, so I apologise if I sound heartless and selfish.

Firstly, I really like being back at work.

Granted, I feel like hell when I drag my ass out of bed at 6:30am after having only 3 hours of sleep due to a teething 5 month old. But as soon as I put my work clothes on, kiss my little family and step out into the fresh air and sunshine unencumbered by a heavy pram... I feel like I can breathe a bit. I feel like I have a day to myself. A day for my brain to think about things other than dirty nappies and vomit-stained clothes.

I love my little girl with every last bit of me, and sometimes when I kiss her goodbye it rips my heart out, but I'm realising that this is good for me. It may not work for anyone else, but it's my own personal perfect, for the moment. The mister and I have a relay-challenge, trying to now juggle both of our jobs, time with her, scheduling activities for her, for ourselves, and trying to find time with each other. It ain't no picnic. But it's what we've decided we want right now.

You know what else I'd like to say that's a bit selfish?

I wish I had time to do my hair, get a bikini wax, go shopping, do my nails and get a massage.
I wish I could have 8 hours of blissfully uninterrupted sleep.
I wish I didn't have this bit of belly flab from being pregnant.
I wish we could have more hugs and kisses saved for ourselves rather than our little one.

I know, I know... indulging in the things that aren't possible is setting myself up for disaster. But you know how people say " I can't imagine what I did with my life before I had kids..!" Well, I still can. I'm not saying that I was materialistic and shallow in my pre-baby life, but I do miss the days of spontaneous trips, irresponsible spending, partying too late and using random living room furniture for... um.. well, you get the picture.

The ironic thing is that all the things I want to do I don't even have the energy for. My everything is now her everything. My indulgence in the things that "could be" hinders my vision of the future. Our future. I have to keep reminding myself that this new life isn't about what we could have. It's about celebrating what we have now and how we appreciate the now. If she needs more kisses, she gets them. If all I see is the back of his head every night as I fall asleep, I have to remember that it's because he's grabbed my hand and curled it around his chest to pull me closer.

I guess the living room furniture can wait for now.