Crispy fried bump and love stories

I pretend that I'm olive skinned...I pretend that I'm a supermodel misting my skin with SPF 4 that smells like freshly grated coconut..I pretend that my skin can darken a lovely shade of mahogany when toasting myself in the sun..

Yeah, I'd laugh at me too. Turns out that my genius idea one day at "not using any SPF because my skin will be brown and freckly" was a pretty bad move. Hence parts of my face right now looked like I had an uber-expensive chemical peel. Okay, okay, it's not that bad, but definitely noticeable, and I'm trying to avoid any reflective surface at the moment.

We just spent 10 days hiding in couple bliss. It was a long-overdue treat for ourselves to "get off the grid", so to speak, and reconnect. To giggle. To swim in the sea. To parade around half-naked in 90-degree weather and do nothing but read and eat and sleep.

It was absolute heaven, though if I'm honest, it took me about 3 or 4 days to get into it. I found that my brain is so used to ticking away on a schedule, it's not used to being told "hey. shut the factory for a bit. There's nothing to do right now." The prospect of me not doing anything is sometimes a bit daunting, because I'm someone who really likes doing something all the time and not give myself space to breathe and relax. You know the feeling that you get when you start cleaning a room and then you get on a roll and clean the whole house? No? Okay, just me then... I guess I thought relaxing time means idle time, and idle time is equivalent to boredeom, and hey... can I do that for you? What about that, that looks interesting... I can help...

When I finally did straight-jacket my inner loony, I can't describe how deeply poignant it felt to sit in a disappearing sunset, hair crusty with sea salt, and do absolutely nothing but stare at the sea. Or look over at my other half. My puzzle piece. My bestest friend in the entire world. And I relished it. I relished just staring at his handsome face. And what's more fun is that in those moments he wouldn't say anything, he'd just smile crookedly the way he does only to me, and brush my cheek. You know that feeling when you look at the person you love striding up to you and you get faint butterflies and you feel like you have a hopeless crush? Yeah, I have that. And I love every cheezy second of it.

It's a quick ride, it feels, to the end of this pregnancy, and sometimes I feel like there's so much to do, and sometimes I feel like I've done as much as I can. Usually, it's the former feeling that takes over. Mostly, I feel like I want more time. More hours in the day. More days doing fun stuff, more days as a couple, more days to stuff like pillow cushions in between the existing days so that time doesn't go by too quickly.

I was pretty sad about coming back home to London. Not sad in a depressed way, but just wishing that it hadn't gone by so quickly for us. I felt like a little kid that wanted to stay up past her bedtime, pleading with her parents just a little bit more.. please? just a little more...

I was also cranky and hormonal because I ended up with a fried face (oh, the vanity that I posses, it's kind of annoying), so you can imagine what a thrill I was to travel with on the way back. The mister has the patience of a saint, which I'm constantly grateful for.

I also realised that in this hormonal soup of feelings that is being stirred up a couple times a week, what comes to the surface a lot is fear.. nervousness.. insecurity..but along with that also comes a good dose of love..joy..gratefulness..excitement. I've never professed to be an eternally happy-go-lucky person, though I am most of the time- and I do have my moments where I disintegrate into that dramatic Eastern European place in my head that makes me into a drama queen. And lately, the highs and the lows seem to be much deeper trenches that are harder to get out of. Harder to pick myself up on my own and grit my teeth. And because I find it harder to do that, I see that as a bit of weakness on my part, and I get angry. And the person next to me feels the brunt of it. It's a bad habit.

Yes, the nervousness and the vague negativity is only temporary, and I've been teaching myself to recognise it coming and to diffuse it appropriately. A lot of things will change in 2 months and I know that we'll handle it like we do anything: as a new adventure.

But right now, in the midst of all this, what makes me feel better is letting myself indulge in the rich moments. The sweet stuff. The little "I love yous" whispered at night with such magic intensity. The hands entwining. The arms around waists that signal equal parts support and possession. The heads tucked in together as if conspiring in secret. The inside jokes. The pats on the bum when we walk next to eachother. I know these things change and evolve and get deeper and more amazing with each passing day, but right now I feel like I want to grasp every nuance that these moments posses- as if I were trying to catch wisps of gossamer. I want to burn these days in my memory and feverishly write them down. I'm realising that there is never again another first, just like there isn't another last. So this pregnancy is like the first kiss, the first crush, the first trip, the first song, the first dance. It's completely precious and unique and memorable.

I know I'm romanticizing it a bit, but that's how it feels for me. Sometimes, I can just get on with it and not be too mushy. But other times, especially when we feel kicks, I become overwhelmed with these kind of feelings. I have to remind myself that holy jesus, we're having a baby. wow. It's mind-blowing to think that out of the billions of people out there, we met, we knew that we were it and we've now created a little mini-us. It's completely crazy in the best sense of the word. In the beginning I thought.. nah. can't be. this handsome thing and klutsy, brash little me? how the hell is this going to work? you're kidding. And I stand astoundingly corrected and happier than I ever have been in my entire life. I've learned things that I never thought I could, and look forward to challenges that we'll never be able to plan. I look at how the both of us learn and grow, and how tender and protective we are of our little story. And now we're stepping into a completely crazy circus that'll be filled with little feet and giggles and stories and immense love. Another stop on this ever lengthening road-trip.

Don't worry, the sun hasn't fried my brain too. I guess vacations have a tendency to make you a bit introspective.