Got milk?

I'm obsessed with boobs.

Before you start drooling.. like most women (and every male on the planet), I've always had a healthy appreciation for their aesthetic properties (my own, as well as others), but lately, I think my brain has gone into some kind of mammary overdrive. It's all I think about.

One of the reasons could be that mine are getting much bigger than I thought they would, and I'm fascinated with the fact that I actually have cleavage (please understand, as a 5'7" 105 lb person, this word has never been in my vocabulary).

The other reason is because since I will soon attempt to use my lovely pair to feed another human being (yeah, that still seems really weird to me..), I've entered a whole new world that uses strange and highly sadomasochistic vocabulary like panelled feeding tops, nursing bras, nursing pads, nipple shields, electric breast pump, and the ever-popular controversial debate: Breast vs Bottle.

I live in a country where the National Health Service (NHS) and pretty much every midwife strongly encourages breastfeeding. And by "strongly encourages", I mean they really go for the hard sell- posters everywhere, advertisements to attend free seminars that encourage you to "persevere through the tough first few weeks". I even asked if someone could advise me on the practice of "mixed feeding" (sometimes breast milk, sometimes formula), and the midwife very gently shook her head with a sigh and tried to steer me back to using my boobs as the only way to go. I mean, at this rate, it would've probably been acceptable for her to scream in my face while shaking me by my shoulders in the hopes that I would not endanger my child by -insert collective gasp of the entire world- FEEDING IT FORMULA FROM A BOTTLE.

Okay, I get it. It's nutritionally beneficial, they're there for a reason... but shouldn't people be given other options so that they can make their own decisions? I think choosing how to feed your child is a rather subjective and personal decision that a mother should be entitled to make on her own, and ideally, she should have as much support and information to help her in that respect.

And because it's such a hot topic here in the UK (if you remember a post from about a year or so ago, I still stand by my assessment that this country is generally obsessed with any size and shape breasts), the choice that a woman makes, whether to breastfeed or not, becomes a minefield of an issue. Just because you're pregnant and about to be a mother, does it really allow your friends/family/general public to comment and make suggestions about your breasts and how you intend to use them?

Them: Will you breastfeed?
Me: Not really sure. The whole idea seems weird to me, but I really won't know until I get there.
Them: Oh... well... you should really try.
Me: Sure. Okay.
Them: It really is the best thing for them, and did you know that if you don't breastfeed you increase your risk of breast cancer by 50 percent?!???
Me: Great.
Them: Yeah, the first few weeks will be hard, but you have to persevere. It's best for the baby. You should do it for at least 6 months.
Me: Umm. Okay.
Them: Poo is much smellier on formula, too.
Me: Great.
Them: How do you feel about feeding in public?
Me: You mean setting up a stand in the park with a "Breast milk for 5 cents a cup- 4 cents if you use the boob" sign? Not too keen on that either.*

*That usually shuts them up.


I once said that I thought breastfeeding in public (i.e how some mothers whip their boobs out naked in all their glory while a child is dangling off of one and fondling the other) made me feel a bit uncomfortable (though to be fair, I don't think I would even do it in front of friends and relatives either.. I don't choose to put that kind of an intimate moment on display, frankly), and lo and behold I might as well have been struck down with a crisp bolt of lightning directly from La Leche League. The amount of anger and nastiness and righteousness that resulted in that one comment (aherrmmm.. my opinion) was extraordinary. Women hurled taunts like "what if someone denied YOU lunch when you were hungry", and "it is the most natural thing in the world and you should be proud that you're able to nourish your child"... it was insane. I never knew that Breast vs Bottle could turn into a WWF mud-wrestling match.

I think when it comes to this, we all need to calm down a bit, eh? No mother or mother-to-be should do something for their child. There's no rulebook. It's their child, and they can choose to feed it however they like, without fearing the judgement of all the earth-mothers or posh bottle-mummies out there.

Breasts should be off the table for discussion. Unless, of course, they're an integral part of winning an argument. To that I say: lay 'em on the countertop. And dress them in something lacy.