Are you parent enough?*

So, I learned a very valuable lesson a few days ago. Women, especially women that are mothers, can be pretty brutal.

In a nutshell, I received an email the other day from a very close friend of mine, unceremoniously dumping me as a friend. You know the feeling of being dumped by text? Well, take that feeling, multiply it by about 50, and then throw in a bit of parental judgement. Confused? Yeah, me too.

You, reader, will most likely think well, I don't know their history, so I wonder what prompted this? 

And I will tell you: nothing except our parenting differences. Yeah, keep reading.

When I moved to London, as you'll read in my very early blog posts, I didn't know anyone. All of my friends were more like acquaintances from work, no one I could rely on. No big deal, I was finding my way. Three years ago, I met a girl and we clicked immediately. Same backgrounds, same outlooks, same sense of relaxed adventure. We were also pregnant, due at similar times. Fast forward a bit, we were still as close as ever, our kids were similar ages, we had had our second little ones, we would joke that we would live in a commune one day in the country with our husbands and babies.

About 6 months ago, she'd been very distant. Not emailing, calling, not responding my invites for them to stay at our new house. I'd figured she'd been busy, no worries. I didn't think anything of it, until I saw a comment on Facebook from her to me. It was a defensive rebuff to a comment that I made to her. I didn't understand it, and I'd seen similar responses on email and in person from her to me.

So I wrote to her to see what was going on, and in that email I preemptively apologised, thinking that it was probably my fault because I tend to be a bit loud and blunt sometimes.

She responded with something that shocked me to no end:

It's your parenting choices. It breaks my heart when you put your kids on the naughty step. I don't choose to parent that way, so though I think you're great, I don't want to hang out with my kids and your kids, putting them in that environment. It makes me uncomfortable, as I choose to parent in a non-discipline way. I have friends that have different parenting methods, and because I don't agree with some of them, I choose to hang out with just them and not their kids as well. I would rather just talk to them about sleepless nights, not necessarily discipline problems. I don't agree with you putting on Facebook your child having a time-out...

In a sense, she was dumping me because of my parenting choices. Wow. The email went on and on about other things, like my blunt personality, but at that point, I didn't care.

Was I reading this wrong? Am I being overly sensitive? Should I praise her for telling me honestly how she felt? Does parenting make women crazy? Is she crazy? What have I done wrong?

My mind raced with anger, sadness, confusion.  I can honestly say (and people who know me well know that I am a pretty awesome friend), that I have never judged or analysed her parenting choices. Yes, they're wildly different from mine, but I have loved her 100% consistently throughout our entire friendship. And my children loved being around her kids.

I was blindsided. I was sad that for the past 2 and more years, I have been secretly judged by a friend of mine whom I shared 100% of my heart with. It was hugely disappointing and I mourned the loss.

What was the lesson in this? What could I have done differently? What kind of person is this to tell a friend that?

What I realised is that anyone who is a parent, is doing their best. Every parent is playing their days by ear, figuring out how best to show their children that they love them unconditionally, establishing boundaries, and trying to show them that the world is made up of different families, different people, and different attitudes. But that everyone is essentially just trying to be a good person at the end of the day.

The email made me temporarily question my own parenting abilities and how my children are. I asked myself: am I a good enough parent? are my children happy? am I too strict? 

And the answer that came to me is this: For my life and my family... unequivocally I am doing exactly the right thing.

My husband and I run our family a certain way because of the kind of personalities that my children have. It works for us. More importantly, there is a lot of laughter, a lot of hugging and kissing, a lot of love and sharing and talking and playing. I'm sure the same exists in my (ex-) friend's family as well. It was just so sad to me that she let something get in the way of both of us experiencing the joy and pain of friendship and parenthood together.

Whatever kind of parent you are, everyone should do what makes themselves and their family happy. Judgement is reserved for lawyers and courtrooms, not for friendships that require unconditional love and support.

We're all parent enough. We don't need any more added pressure on ourselves, from friends, family or media. Life is way too short.

Lesson learned.



*Yes, I copied this title from the very controversial Time Magazine article from a while ago. I like it. It starts conversations.